A recent post on Thought Catalog caught my eye. The author was unapologetic about his habits, thoughts, and lifestyle. It was bold and borderline insane. Several of my co-workers created their own lists (you can read their brutally honest lists here: Mallorie, Shari, and Alex). I’ve decided to join them and list my idiosyncrasies. Before you run for the hills, just hear me out…
1. I’m always right. This is my worst quality. I will never admit defeat/being wrong. I’m too proud. If I do, I really love you and our relationship.
2. I make weird noises in my sleep. Not quite talking, more like mumbles and strange high pitched sounds. Only happens if I’m falling asleep and trying to fight it. Don’t make fun of me. I will hate you.
3. I’m driven. Establishing my career is the most important thing at this point in my life. Don’t take it personal if I move halfway around the world for a job. It will always be first (right now).
4. My mother and my grandparents are THE most important people in my life. If they don’t like you, I don’t like you.
5. If I love you, I will speak in a “baby voice” and give you a stupid pet name. I will expect you to do the same.
6. I’m a sore loser. If I know I can’t beat you, I won’t play. Hence why I don’t participate in sports, video games, or chess. N’Sync lyrics contest? Come at me bro.
7. I’m competitive. I need to be the best.
8. I can’t stand it when someone doesn’t like me. As childish as it sounds, it will slowly kill me.
9. If you don’t like dogs don’t talk to me. I feel that there is no love or loyalty like the one of a dog. I’m also a huge animal person. I cry over the mistreatment of animals. Don’t make me feel bad about it or make me out to be crazy.
10. I’m not a vegetarian. Just because I love animals doesn’t mean I’m against eating them for nutritional purposes. I will, however, refuse to eat veal.
11. I expect you to be driven. No ambition, no goals, no Melissa.
12. I’m very self conscious about my weight. I will never be comfortable naked in front of you. There’s nothing you can do about this. Just love me through it.
13. I hate people that can’t spell or speak proper English. But “totes”, “obvi”, and “fo sho” are a part of my vocabulary.
14. I don’t drink. Not by choice, I had brain surgery 4 years ago and my medications and doctors won’t allow it. I will eventually be able to drink again. Don’t feel bad for me. I encourage everyone to drink for me.
15. My best friend is gay. He is my soulmate. You will never measure up to him and I wouldn’t want you to. If you feel threatened by this you need to man up.
16. I believe in gay rights, gay marriage, gay adoption, and equality. If you’re homophobic you need to stop reading this post and get away from me.
17. I wish I was more girly. I love heels, dresses, and jewelry but I’d rather wear sweats and no makeup. I hate to be dressed up.
18. I will always want you to rub my feet while we are watching tv or relaxing at home. Just do it. It makes me happy.
19. I’m fiercely independent. I will never need you for anything. And this lie is my self preservation. I will never tell you how much I need you. Ever.
20. When I’m mad beyond comprehension I will cry. It’s my body’s natural response to emotional overload. This crying will be followed by yelling.
21. I don’t date. I’m either in a relationship or not. The thought of “seeing” multiple people makes me exhausted.
22. I’m catholic. No, I don’t want you to go to church with me. No, I will not force you to believe in Jesus. I will respect your beliefs. Please do the same. Unless you’re a scientologist, then all bets are off.
23. I’m really indecisive. I hate the “where do you wanna go eat?” game. I never know what I want to eat. Just pick. It will make our lives easier (as long as it’s not barbecue).
24. I am NOT a morning person. If you are, your chipper demeanor at 7am will piss me off. Talking is off limits before coffee.
25. I don’t like being chased. Like physically chased. It scares the shit out of me. I’ve never played tag as a kid because I would throw myself on the floor and beg to be tagged. I will chase you though.
See, that wasn’t so bad…